Dynamic Marketing Firm Seeks Greatest Mind of Your Generation (Unpaid)
on McSweeney's Internet Tendency
Calling all social media rockstars! Cataclysm PDX is one of the hottest PR/Marketing/Branding/Thought-Leadership firms in the webosphere representing a stable of top-tier international clients. We are alchemists of innovation, the Rumplestiltskins of branding, spinning the straw of conventional digital marketing into paradigm-shattering gold.
The Chosen One Is Among Us: The Twentysomething Who Streams Videos for Free on College Humor
Hark! Sit now and hear the tale of great hope for all mankind. Have faith, listener, for sacred parchments tell a twentysomething who, through the divination of his Macbook Air, was able to stream content from Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu Plus and HBO Go--all without spending a single dollar.
One Member of This Trinity is Not Pulling His Weight on McSweeney's Internet Tendency
Holy Spirit, can I see you in my office for a minute? Please, sit down...You’ve been with the Trinity a long time now — a founding member, in fact. I consider you my, well not my right hand because that’s my son, J, but easily my left hand. So as hard as this is, we’re gonna have to let you go.
I am the Hunter S. Thompson of Data Entry
on Defenestration Magazine
The assignment was a simple one: consolidate the email subscriber lists into a single spreadsheet. Or at least it seemed simple. Three tabs of blotter acid and a fifth of Jack later, and it became clear that the swarming birds would never allow it. They were all over the keyboard, shitting and clack-clack-clacking away on the IBM Selectric typewriter I’d brought from home. Liz said to use Excel, but a laptop is the establishment’s computer—the machine’s machine.
A Grad Student Offers Thoughtful Script Notes on a Porno on College Humor
I want to thank everyone for being so welcoming and friendly my first day on set. Given that so many adult films are set in the collegiate environment, having a consultant with experience in academia will give this picture the verisimilitude and believability sure to set College Nymphos 6 worlds above College Nymphos 5.
The News Alchemist
A small satirical news blog I created in 2012. Enjoy these samples:
Writer and editor. Some highlights:
"Multinational Corporation Runs Cutest Little Factory Farm" on The Seattle Salmon
DES MOINES–In the past twelve months since ConAgra foods began operating a quaint factory farm in rural Adel County, the corporation has found inclusion in the local community. Despite initial misgivings, fellow family farms have welcomed the quaint 800 acre operation with open arms.
A leather-bound first edition compendium of luxury internet slang.
Bummering in the Hamptons (v.): a restful trip to your second home when battling fits of melancholy
Sphinx Cat (n.): an aging and childless billionaire; named so for their wrinkly, heirless bodies.
Habanera by Garmin (n.): a high-end GPS with route navigation in exquisite Italian soprano